Video: Honest Government Ad: COP31 🇦🇺 and the Pacific – “Let this major fossil-fuel exporter that’s cockblocked climate action for decades co-host a crucial summit with the most climate-vulnerable nations in the world while ignoring their pleas to stop harming them”

1 August 2023 (The Juice Media) – Hello. Bonjour. Ciao stronzi. Namaste. Ham maadarachod hain.

I’m from the Australien Government with a message to the world.

As cities bake, fires rage, reefs die, jet streams weaken, and 6-Ligma events cause climate scientists to shit their dacks, many are wondering if we’ve finally broken our favourite planet.

But don’t despair, Australia’s here to help.

No, not by phasing out coal and gas, by inviting the world to a big fucken dinner party.

Introducing our bid to host the 2026 UN climate summit: COP31.

We know. After a decade of climate inaction under the last government, our international reputation is in tatters.

Thankfully, this is a new government.

As Chris said, Australia is Back™.

But for those of you not fluent in Cuntonese, the official language of the Australien Government, what he’s saying is: we’re back to approving coal mines, expanding gas production and opening up the NT to fracking.

So, we really need to host a COP to “restore our reputation” and look like…

Climate Leaders™

COAL! GAS! CARBON CREDITS! PR! HOSTING COP!

By these powers combined, we are…

FULL OF SHIT!

Yes, we know, after undermining two decades of climate summits with lies, loopholes, artificially inflated baselines, and our fake Kyoto credits, many of you would rather shit in your hands and clap than let Australia host a COP.

That’s why we came up with the genius idea of co-hosting it with countries the world actually likes: our Pacific Island neighbours.

Coz unlike us poseurs, they’re actually being climate leaders.

These guys introduced a plan to cut shipping emissions (which we voted against).

And these guys issued the Port Vila Resolution, which calls for an end to fossil fuel expansion in the Pacific (and which we’ve ignored).

Even kids in the Pacific are bigger climate leaders than us.

They’ve prompted the International Court of Justice to decide if polluters like us are legally accountable for failing to act on the climate crisis.

So clearly, co-hosting COP with the Pacific would make our bid look much less shit.

And it worked!

The Swiss wanted to host this COP too, but they withdrew their bid when they saw ours.

And those Pacific Islands are totes up for it, too.

Kinda. Sort of.

All they’ve asked for in exchange is that we end fossil-fuel subsidies and stop approving new coal and gas projects.

To which we said, “Settle Gretel. Be grateful for the aid we give you to deal with climate damage, like the twin cyclones that just devastated Vanuatu.”

Sure, that aid is a fraction of the subsidies we give to the companies who caused that damage.

But what did you expect?

When we told you we’d stand “shoulder to shoulder with our Pacific family” we didn’t mean against climate change.

We meant at the canapé table at COP31.

So come on world!

Let this major fossil-fuel exporter that’s cockblocked climate action for decades co-host a crucial summit with the most climate-vulnerable nations in the world while ignoring their pleas to stop harming them.

Just so we can look like Climate Leaders™

It’s not like we’re asking you to let some petrostate human-rights abuser host COP and have the boss of a huge oil company preside over it.

Imagine that!

Then the world would really be fucked.

COP31. We can’t wait to see you in Australia.

Spierdalaj. Kefe. Terima kasih, kami bangsat.

Authorised by the Department for Orchestrating our Glorious Climate Makeover and Canapés.

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Honest Government Ad: COP31 🇦🇺 & the Pacific