Honest Government Ad: Japan vs. Paul Watson – “We’re trying to jail the fucking legend who stopped us from breaking the law”

2 September 2024 (The Juice Media) – Hello I’m from your local Government™ franchise with an update on All The Latest Bullshit.

Today’s update is brought to you by the Government of Japan.

Hello, I’m from the Government of Japan.

Where we’ve issued a warrant for the arrest of Captain Paul Watson.

Wanted for the crime of being a fucking legend.

Remember that time commercial whaling was banned but we kept hunting whales in the Southern Ocean Whale Sanctuary by saying “it’s purely in the interests of science”?

Well, this fucking legend stopped us from murdering – I mean “researching” – a shit-ton of whales.

And as it turned out, he was upholding the law, coz the International Court of Justice and Australia’s federal court subsequently ruled that our whaling was illegal and told us to GTFO.

So did we go to jail for acting illegally?

Of course not, silly.

Instead, we’re trying to jail the fucking legend who stopped us from breaking the law.

Sure that might seem unjust.

But we’ve seen other governments prosecuting fucking legends lately.

Like this one in Tasmania.

And these ones in Cambodia.

So we thought Japan should have a go at it too.

We’d like to thank the Danish government for arresting the fucking legend in Greenland.

Which is great timing, since he was on his way to intercept our new whale-killing machine on it’s maiden voyage to hunt vulnerable fin whales.

Tak Tak Denmark, you can extradite him to Japan now.

Don’t worry, we only routinely violate our prisoners’ human rights.

So thanks to our 99.9 percent conviction rate, he’ll definitely die in jail.

We also want to thank our taxpayers for subsidising the dying whale industry. (Literally.)

Even though few of them eat whale.

Which is why we have to hire influencers to hawk it to them.

All to keep our mates in business at this joint.

One of our favourite sources of Amakudari positions for retiring officials.

I mean, sure whales are the foundation of an actual industry: WHALE-WATCHING. Which generates vast income for communities worldwide.

And sure their feces help feed the phytoplankton that sustains all marine life and produces half the planet’s oxygen supply.

And sure they’re our allies by capturing carbon and storing it for centuries when they die naturally and fall to the seafloor.

Unlike our Carbon Capture and Storage projects which capture fuck all.

But why invest in all that when we can kill whales and stick ’em in a fucking vending machine. [more]

Honest Government Ad | Japan vs Paul Watson