Honest Government Ad: Net Zero by 2050 (feat. Greta) – “If you take all our promises and add them together, that puts us on track for ‘Still Very Much Fucked by 2050’”
6 November 2011 (The Juice Media) – Hello, I’m from the Government™ with an update on how we’re handling the climate crisis. We know you’re all counting on us to solve this problem, so humanity can keep enjoying its favourite pastime: continuing to live on this planet.
But you see, we’ve realised that we are the problem and so… how shall we put this…
We’re actually going to get us all killed.
Look at this graph shaped like a penis coz it shows how fucked we are. This is where we are now, and as we can see it’s “Already Pretty Fucked”, with massive fires, floods, heatwaves, locusts, bullshit.
This is what scientists call the “Stop Here Or We’re Fucked” point.
And this is where we’re currently headed.
Or as scientists call it: “Net Fucked by 2050”.
The good news is we’ve promised to reduce our emissions
And if you take all our promises and add them together, that puts us on track for…
“Still Very Much Fucked by 2050”.
And that’s if we keep our promises.
A big “if”, since some of our biggest promises are being Koch-blocked by corporate coal shills.
While others are nothing more than Blah Blah Blah or a plan printed on a pamphlet.
PLANPHLET!
Our promises and planphlets are also based on the hope that we’ll offset our emissions with technologies which don ’t work or even fucking exist.
Or with technologies that do work and exist – like trees – except trees need time to grow, which we don’t have. And space, which we also don’t have.
Plus trees can burn, which seems to happen a lot these days, due to:
CLIMATE CHANGE.
And when they do, they release all that carbon they captured.
Which means the only way we can keep our promises is to stop emitting carbon.
Are we doing that?
God, no!
We’ve been subsidizing it at a rate of $11 million dollars per minute.
Which discourages investment in renewables by distorting the market.
And that’s why there’s a huge gap between our promises and where we need to be.
We don’t talk about that gap, coz that would entail a complex process called: “Being Honest”.
“Being Honest” would mean admitting that we’re failing.
And we can’t do that coz then we’d have to stop failing.
That would mean ending fossil-fuel subsidies and banning all new gas, coal, and oil projects.
And to anyone suggesting harming our precious children like that, we say:
“HOW DARE YOU!”
So, “Being Honest” isn’t an option for us.
Which is why we’ve come up with the next best alternative:
NET ZERO BY 2050.
Net Zero by 2050 means that instead of “Being Honest” this decade, by taking this path, we leave the “Being Honest” part to the last minute by taking that path instead.
As you can see, both lead to Net Zero in 2050, but they’re very different journeys.
Coz this path adds this many emissions to the atmosphere.
And that one adds three times as much.
And since emissions are what’s causing the planet to warm, that means crossing the “Stop Here or We’re Fucked” point.
Which risks setting off irreversible chain reactions beyond our control.
That’s the exciting part of running an experiment with the only planet we know that supports life in the whole fucking universe.
Just so we can make a few billionaires even richer.
NET ZERO BY 2050
Anywho. Feel free to take over from us at any time.
Coz as you can see we’re captured by the fossil-fuel industry, compromised by our moral failings and lack of vision, and probably going to get us all killed
This has been a message from your local Government™ franchise. [more]
