Honest Government Ad: Hotel Quarantine and Vaccines in Australia – “You can eat a bag of dicks”
30 July 2021 (The Juice Media) – Hello, I’m from the Australien Government. Many of you are wondering, how did we manage to go from Zero Covid and being the envy of the world to being an experiment in what happens when the Delta variant rips through an unvaccinated population?
Well, it wasn’t easy – it took concerted effort between Federal, State, and loco shitheads to undermine Elimination – but we did it.
So now you can enjoy your Freedom: Freedom to fucking die or get long Covid.
Yes, we know these endless lockdowns are hard: for you, your family, your mental health. But they’re hard for us too. We’ve had to put on pants twice this week to give pressers to make sure you keep thinking these lockdowns are caused by your freedom-hating Premiers rather than by us cocking-up the two jobs we had: quarantine and vaccines.
Let’s take a look.
Quarantine is our first line of defense against foreign parasites, like Covid and Katie Hopkins.
It’s also a federal responsibility, which is why our Praying Minister has been working hard to ask “what would Jesus do”, instead of experts.
Experts have been telling us that Covid is airborne, which means the dumbest thing you can do is put healthy and infected people together breathing the same air and call it, HOTEL QUARANTINE.
In Belgium, where they’ve stopped fucking around, it’s now mandatory to install meters to warn venues of poor ventilation.
Meanwhile, we haven’t even updated our Guidelines to recommend opening a fucking window or built the air-gapped quarantine facilities we’ve been told we need to stop airborne transmission.
Queensland has one ready to go. Heck, even caravan parks would be better than our current system.
But we said, nahh … hotel quarantine has a 99.9% success rate at keeping Covid out of the country.
Which is true – if you count ALL travelers, even those without Covid, who couldn’t have brought it into the country anyway.
Of course, the number that really counts is how many infected travelers result in a breach, and that’s 1 for every 44 infected. And with over 300 of those arriving monthly, that’s 7 breaches each month. 7 STAR ACCOMMODATION!
You might think these breaches are just one cause of outbreaks like the one that’s currently fucking Sydney sideways, but they’re actually THE cause.
Genomic analysis of Melbourne’s second wave shows 98% of all cases were caused by a single hotel breach.
Remember that success rate we mentioned earlier? You have to marvel at how our Prime Marketer can spin a 98% fail into a 99% win. HOTEL MARKET-INE!
While you wait, get vaccinated!
Vaccination is our second line of defence. And yep, we fisted this one up, too.
That’s why other countries are over-half vaccinated, while we’re dead last in the OECD.
Lucky it’s not a race!
Unlike Mathias getting the top job at the OECD, so he could further delay climate action. Which is definitely a race.
So we picked up phones and scrambled jets to make sure he won it.
But if you need us to pick up a phone to call Pfizer and ask for enough doses for all of you, you can eat a bag of dicks. [more]
